Almost Glad
by LLCoyote
Summary: Season 2 Spoilers... sort of. A short piece exploring Rachel's thoughts about Charlie leaving. (Warning, Rachel may be a little OC)


**So for any of you going "Is that a Portal 2 song for the title" YES BITCHES! ... erm, right. I adore the Portal games, and I think the song fits Charlie and Rachel pretty well, however this is not a song fic, this is an emotional/angst piece written to go along with a video I made on youtube. remove the spaces and put a dot for dot if you want to watch the video before reading the story, but it isn't needed at all. I actually did this quite a while ago and just now mustered up the courage to post it. Couple of things real quick: No, I don't think Rachel is this poetic, I embellished a bit to try and match some of the dialog/emotion in the song. Also if you watch the video, and read in the discription where the song is translated, I know ok! I know that is the wrong translation, I did it on purpose, don't bitch me on it. Anyway, here is the story.**

******_youtube dot com/ watch?v=Q6Z5dyU1wfU_**

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I watched you go. The night was calm and warm. The stars were bright against the ebony night sky… and you were leaving. You left without saying a single word to me, but I'm almost glad. I'm sure anything you would have said would haunt me in your absence. I doubt you even knew I was watching from the window. I watched, hoping—praying that you would turn around and come back but when you faded completely into the shadows I was almost glad.

Because what have I ever done for you?

The world you were supposed to grow up in, full of light and comfort and safety _I'm_ the one who destroyed it. It makes me sick to imagine all that you've seen in this new world, all that you've had to do. I could have prevented all of that. I could have said '_no' _to Randal and the D.O.D, your father wouldn't have continued on without me. But I said yes. I helped create a world, where instead of worrying what dress you'd wear to the prom in high school, you had to worry about militias and bandits. Where instead of scars from falling off your bike or out of a tree, you're scarred by battle wounds and branded like live stock. If I'd have just said no, would you even know what death looked like? Would you understand what war was? No, because I would have protected you from those horrible truths, like any good mother should.

But I've never protected you have I?

"I do it! I do it!" You always said. Even as a little girl, you took care of yourself. Always strong, and always beautiful, and I've always taken advantage of that. What right did I have to ask you to take care of Danny when you were too young to even protect yourself? But he was a child, in the true sense of the word, and you were already as bold and brazen as a bull. I was blinded, completely, overwhelmed by self loathing and fear, and I didn't think before I said it. _"Protect your brother."_ The three simple words that have destroyed your life. Damn it I should have never left you with Ben! If I was negligent by asking you to protect Danny, Ben was downright stupid for letting you. Telling you to find Miles. Of all the things he could have said to you, he said to find Miles, his ex-militia brother, and go on some crazy mission to try and get Danny back. Why couldn't he have just told he loved you? Why couldn't he have just let you mourn and move on with your life? We both leaned on you, relied on _you_ when it should have been the other way around.

You can't rely on me though, can you?

I can hardly count the times you've put your trust in me and I've broken it. Have I done a single thing right as your mother? Before the blackout you'd have probably been taken from me for doing the sort of things I have to you over the years. They'd have given full custody to your father, or put you in a different home all together. I've struck you, lied to you, shouted at you, and abandoned you every time you've needed me. I left you with Ben, I left you with Miles, and I even left you with Aaron, even though I knew you weren't safe. I knew your life was in danger, I knew you would be devastated when Nora died… but I still left you. All for Danny, who isn't even alive anymore. It's always been about someone else, Danny, Ben, myself; but when did I ever stop to think about you before it was too late?

I'm thinking about you now; now that it is too late, yet again. Because you've already gone, and I should have stopped you. The world has changed, things are different since the Tower, and I've let you walk off into it completely unprotected. You're going to hunt down and kill a man, that is if he doesn't kill you first, and I'm just sitting here, writing a letter you'll never see. Lamenting; when I should be chasing you down and dragging you back here by your hair to talk some sense into you. What is the worst you could do? Hate me? You already hate me, and rightfully so. But I'm your mother and I love you, I adore you, and I should be protecting you right now regardless of how you _feel_ or what you _want_.

Charlie, oh Charlie I hope you walk far. I hope you run. Run and find Bass, kill him, but then keep running. Don't come back to Miles, stay far away from me. I'm ruined: a mess. For what I've done to the world, to my family, to _you_, I'm ruined. So don't come back. Blame me for it all and walk away. Fall in love, go and find what is still beautiful and good on this earth before it is all ash and blood. I hope you forget about me, and Miles, and everything else. I hope you wake up in the morning and have no recollection of any morning before.

I love you Charlotte. My _baby_. I love you more than anything else in this world.

But my _dear_, my _darling_, my _beautiful_ child, I've never been able to take care of you have I? I cannot help but think that everything you are, and all the tragedy you have suffered was because of me. For what I did, and for what I didn't do, for leaving, and for doing you wrong even when I was there…

I'm sorry.

When I look at you I see a warrior. In your eyes I see strength, and I see distrust. Oh Charlotte. To see you makes me swell with pride and recoil with shame. How you sicken me, by reminding me what I've done to you. How honored I feel to call you mine, seeing you grow, watching you fight for what is good in this world. You're so beautiful in battle and so ugly in pain. The sight of you tears me apart, my dear. Oh how terrible of me to admit! But you're too much for me to handle. Every time I try, I hold you improperly; I break you a little bit more. My _dear_, my _darling_, my _beautiful_, _wonderful_ baby, I'm so sorry…

But for all these reasons… I'm almost glad you're gone.

_Almost_.


End file.
